As many of you know, our hot tub is a place of prayer for me. But saying so doesn’t mean it’s always prayerful. I often soak with no clear meditative thoughts, other than to enjoy the moment. Or I pray, but I don’t hear anything.
And then there are times like today.
For Lent this year, I am using CRM’s Lent Devotional. They’ve been good before, but something about this year’s devotional, combined with who I am this year, is creating a potent mix.
Day 2 had me with the phrase, “I knew I was going to be a missionary,” followed by the author writing about the disappointment of things not working out that way.
Day 5 (today) was written by an author serving in Japan, struggling with feeling forgotten by God. So familiar. One of the reflection questions was, “Are there any areas in ministry or prayer where you have given up?”
As I reflected on that question, I felt suddenly compelled to the hot tub, even though it had been raining. I checked and saw that there was a break in the rain, so I went out. I was barely in the water before I was praying earnestly: “Lord, I want you to use me!” I got no further in my prayer, because a surprising response cut me off:
Why do you want me to use you?
Is it so that you can feel better about yourself?
Is it to fulfill some ideal that you and Kay are “leaders with great potential,” whatever that means?
Is my love for you not enough?
Update: Kevin Rogers has taken what I shared and turned it into a meditation at The Orphan Age: Love Is Enough.